....

Abba, Abba! I weep for you
Broken, I quiver and scream for you
I have descended the forbidden path
And flames burn me for not speaking on your behalf

The kiss of the word is still sweet on my lips
And her passion soaks my tongue, consumes my veins
I drank from her pleasure deeply
She intoxicated and seduced me

A tantalizing beauty she held indeed
I wrapped my soul in all she offered
Hung her diamonds from my ears and jewels form my neck
Over time they slowly began to cut off my breath

But even then i did not seek your name
I held fast to my deadly treasures
Embraced the toxins that choked my soul
And stood before your cross unashamed

Oh how I enjoyed my little game
Until it caused irreversible pain
And what once was a few earthly treasures
Turned rancid, my death wish forever

Abaa, Abaa! im reaching for you
Dying, i quiver, searching for you
I am a vapor that is fading fast
Save me before i take my last

The Battle Wages On

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate" Romans 7:15

I’ve fought and I’ve tried
Marched ahead in these cryptic times
With each new wound tempted
To raise a white flag, my faith forfeited

I know what is right and I know what is wrong
But my flesh craves depravity
While my soul longs for your glory
The battle wages on

My strength is devastated and gone
Resolution no longer urges me on
God why must I wage war everyday
Pressed to relinquish and walk away

I know what is right and I know what is wrong
With my feet scarcely in the flames
And my hands grasping the clouds
The battle wages on

Shots ring out in the sky over head
The ground trembles as soldiers begin to flank
I hear cries of victory and righteousness
And see your glorious army rise

I know what is right and I know what is wrong
Your strength in me compels me on
A new ardor for your glory pounding in my veins
The triumph has begun, and your battle wages on

Endless Chatter and Idle Hearts

Love as christ has loved. Live humbly and obediently. Give up the world and gain everlasting life. Put faith in Christ, He is the only way. Love your neighbor as yourself. Do not think more highly of yourself than you ought, instead esteem others above yourself. Give to the poor. Feed the starving. Love the fatherless. Care for the elderly. Honor your parents. Love your wife. Respect your husband. Live humbly. Do nothing out of selfish ambition. Live not in vain conceit. Be a living sacrifice. We are ambassadors of Christ. Do not gossip. Do not boast. Do not lie. Do not murder. Above all, bring glory to God.

Oh if I could count the times I have heard these words from pastors, parents, sister, brothers, elders, wives, teachers, and saints! In my solitude I have thought a great deal, and my conclusion is this; the church is filled with endless chatter and idle hearts. We know what is required, and how we are to live. Most christians have have repeatedly heard the commands and been taught what is righteous and just. We can all recite the scriptures, and decipher meaning, application. The body of Christ has been educated in the way to live as a light.

However, often when surrounded by those proclaiming faith I am slapped in the face with the harsh reality that the abundance of conversations centers around gossip or slander, or the empty proclamations of how suzy should have acted, or what tommy might have done instead. Tell me what good does it do judge the deeds of another when in their face you see your own sins staring back at you? It is a side-effect of human nature indeed, and its cold prideful desire for self-esteem.

Humanity is dead and lost, fallen and crushed by their own depravity. We have been given life, and in the first few months of birth, like a young child, are enamored by the novelty of it all. We burn with passion to "go and do!" Share our faith without shame and evangelize the lost! But like the child, in a short time new life has lost its splendor, and we are reluctant to have anything to do with it. Our day-to-day lives, and slovenly ways begin to overpower the passions that once drove us forward, unbending and unswerving for so short a time. But what now? Is it acceptable to pardon off our offenses for "this" or "that"? Or declare what we know to be true and right, but then fail an attempt to work it out in our own lives, and yet point out the shortcomming of others? I pray we have not come to that! Then I am reminded of our despicable condition, and offer thanks that I, and others, are not as vile as we could be.

This summer, life has allowed me ample time for reflecting on myself, and humanity. As a result, I find myself appalled by the general contentment of Christians, myself included, to remain in the state in which we were saved. The Spirit did not petrify us, so please do not sit so still and unaltered! Our Father has promised to make us new, sanctify us by fire, and by His power and will He shall. Praise God that we will not remain in the state in which He called us, and it is only by His refining fire that we can hope to shed our sinful nature, though uncomfortable and extremely painful at times. Yet, I find it hard to consider that this absolves us from daily pursuing our thoughts, actions and motives. I came across this quote the other day: "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself"- Leo Tolstoy. I find in it a challenge, especially for Christians. At times we can be so overcome with a passion to change the world, and spread the gospel, but often fail to do a bit of introspection. What good is it if we can share so eloquently the Word of God, if our hearts are not constantly being sanctified? What benefit comes from noticing the faults of the world, yet being blind to those same faults which dwell in us?

I realize that from this quote, and my reflections after, that I seem to be implying that we are in control of how "good" we are, or that we foster a change in ourselves. That is simply not true. My design in writing this is not to demean Christians and then tell you to pluck up, and find the will power to be better! Because we would fail miserably as we have all along when we forget to look to God, and come humbly to his feet. It is not about strength and pride, but brokenness and a contrite heart. God will mold us and make us, and continually sanctify us, that he has promised. Although, I believe that with each new day should come our renewed sentiments of an adamant desire to change. With every breath we should pray, "Father, break me, change me, do whatever it takes. Cut away my sin and any part of me that clings to this world. Open my eyes to my own depravity, sanctify me and make me a child who brings honor and glory to your name." God will have His way in us, but that does not mean we need not willingly prostrate ourselves at His feet.

The Complacent Christian

At what point does a belief become a command, an action and eventually a lifestyle?  It seems that often times those who commit their lives to the highest standards are those who find contentment in their solitude.  The christian, for example, claims to hold the sole reason and purpose for life.  But why not share that reason?  Why not live out that purpose?   To know something so valuable and vital and yet abstain from proclaiming it is a tragedy.  But that is not to say that the very passionate proclamation of the thing is sufficient.  In Francis Chan's book Crazy Love, he makes this convicting statement in reference to a prominent business man who gave up everything to become a pastor:

"When people make changes in their lives like this, it carries greater impact than when they merely make impassioned declarations. The world needs christians who don't tolerate the complacency of their own lives."

It is not enough to simply claim Christianity.  Everyday the christian is faced with the decision to tell others about their God or live quarantined, cut off and removed from society with no chance of interaction.  Sadly, many today do not attempt to reach beyond the scope of the comfortable, the familiar.  I am guilty.  I am a christian who has been more than content, I regrettably say even happily chosen, to remain comfortable.  That is not what God has asked of me.  As my friend Traci Ferguson said tonight "I am a Christian because I am a sinner and Jesus Christ is my Savior."  That is what I am called to share and called to live out everyday, not my pride in this gift of life, or a hoarding selfish attitude.  Because that is what I am if I do not tell others His name; a selfish, spoiled child who refused to share what has been given to me, undeservingly, at no cost of my own.  That is where my belief becomes a command, and that command fosters an action that develops into a lifestyle.  I have life because one man dared to do what no other could, because God gave up His only son to die a sinners death, to be torn, beaten, broken, bruised, and nailed to a cross baring my transgressions, and those of His people.  It is because of this that I have been commanded to "go and make disciples of all nations (Matt 28:19)."  That command does not leave room for me or any other Christian to settle into our lives, easy and comfortable, unwilling to tell others the name of our Father.  Instead it requires that we go beyond the familiar and share, in love, the life we have been given, and make God known through all  the earth.  The lifestyle of a christian should not be self-seeking, introverted, empty and complacent, but instead laced with humility as we proclaim the power, majesty, mercy, grace, and love of God.  

If left to merely preaching the good news I would fall short.  I would find myself once again fervently proclaiming Christ with my words, but if my actions do not also fervently proclaim Him as well than it is an empty zeal indeed.  By the grace of God, and his Spirit working in me, every step that I take and every gesture I make must reaffirm what the movement of my lips teach.  I can only do this by kneeling before my God every day, humbled by my sin and His sacrifice, willing to live obediently, and constantly relying on His strength alone to accomplish what He has commanded. 

Empty Faith

My soul may cry out to you, and my lips be brimming with words of praise

But what is that without feet willing to spread your name

Or hands weathered and worn from serving the weak

And arms wrapped around those with dampened cheeks

It is an empty and weightless faith indeed

If actions of love and obedience do not proceed

It is not the power, knowledge, or beauty of the rhetoric I boast

But the humbled services whispered that speak the most

You have not called me to a life of condescending pride

But promised as your child I’ll have to take up my cross with every stride

My happiness and satisfaction is not derived from this earth

But instead you have given joy and contentment in a new birth

So with every morning light I vow to live for your name

God I pray I would not let the sun set on another day

That I failed to live for your glory and ceaseless praise

To Love...

I preach love and kindness, a compassionate heart and willing hands.  My mouth and pen declares a character I find my hands often do not commend.  Everyday I am faced with the realities of sin, I see how people tear each other down, seeking their own well being.  I open my eyes to depravity and a lust for what this world has labeled life.  An empty smile, a self-seeking gesture, ulterior motives, a bitter stance, a jealous heart, a condescending glance.  Although I am mortified and ashamed of what I see the christian faith portray, I am even more distressed that everyday I am met with my reflection.  I attempt to justify my harsh words and loose tongue with the wrongs of those whose names are on my lips.  Often I am angered by selfishness of another, and realize by doing so I am no better.  It is in the moments when I find others in need, that my heart can turn suddenly hard, angered at times, that my will has not been heed.  It is also in those same moments that I hear the faint whisper, "love is patient, it is kind..."  or when I feel justice has not been done, and anger grows, the gentle voice persists, "it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrong..." Daily I struggle to live as I have claimed.  Daily I struggle to follow my convictions.  But though I fail, God prevails.  Despite my futility, God works His will.  His power is beyond my humanity.  So I will not rest upon my own strength or manner.  But instead daily I will trust the Spirit working in me, daily I will submit to my Heavenly Father who is changing me.  I cannot truly love as I am called, as Christ has loved, on my own.

By Doubt I Learn, By Conviction I Live

Doubt, by John Patrick Shanley, is prefaced by the author's brilliant portrayal of his own beliefs and thoughts about society and humanities ability to doubt and why we do so.  The play is Shanley's picture of that doubt through a real life scenario.  Although, before diving into the story you must spend time on the preface, acknowledging his statements and deciphering them. I find it very interesting when he says that society has found comfort in the "chatter" of everyday life and in someways hidden behind it.  People are so busy arguing their points, that they ignore the fact, that just maybe, they could be wrong.  They ignore the feeling they get in their stomach when they have argued a point that it's logical end and begin to question how accurate it was to begin with.  That is doubt.  In the preface it almost seems at some point that Shanley is claiming that conviction and passion are weakness.  The act of doubting "requires more courage than conviction does, and more energy; because conviction is a resting place, and doubt is infinite-"  He also comments that the church is weak because they have huddled together under a common belief to simply believe.  They all found the common ground and lifestyle, which brought them together, but by doing so they made themselves vulnerable to the outside world and "predators".  The trust believers have built up, according to Shanley, is what in reality will make them crumble.  The church in some instances maybe weak, by some standards, because of their convictions, but those same convictions also make them strong.  What sets the church apart from the world is that they do have a set of beliefs, and those beliefs in some cases can help them through circumstances and sufferings; the God that they believe in also brings them comfort.  When they world around them falls apart for lack of truth or direction, those with conviction have strength and directions.  Strength because their convictions are truth. Direction because by truth they are guided.  It also seems that Shanley expects people to doubt constantly, and that to do otherwise would be wrong.  I disagree.  I think that what he so strongly communicates is the idea that not doubting will only cripple you.  He shows the faults in naively living life without questioning; to hold onto a certain belief to the point of losing sight.  He may say that doubt takes more courage than conviction because it is infinite, but the process of reaching conviction is the same.  It is seeing the faults in your beliefs and working through them so that your convictions only gain strength.  To be filled with conviction is no fault.  In fact, to live everyday, I believe convictions hold us together, but what enables us to live out those convictions with passion is acknowledging our doubts, while letting them shape the beliefs that control our lives.