To Love...

I preach love and kindness, a compassionate heart and willing hands.  My mouth and pen declares a character I find my hands often do not commend.  Everyday I am faced with the realities of sin, I see how people tear each other down, seeking their own well being.  I open my eyes to depravity and a lust for what this world has labeled life.  An empty smile, a self-seeking gesture, ulterior motives, a bitter stance, a jealous heart, a condescending glance.  Although I am mortified and ashamed of what I see the christian faith portray, I am even more distressed that everyday I am met with my reflection.  I attempt to justify my harsh words and loose tongue with the wrongs of those whose names are on my lips.  Often I am angered by selfishness of another, and realize by doing so I am no better.  It is in the moments when I find others in need, that my heart can turn suddenly hard, angered at times, that my will has not been heed.  It is also in those same moments that I hear the faint whisper, "love is patient, it is kind..."  or when I feel justice has not been done, and anger grows, the gentle voice persists, "it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrong..." Daily I struggle to live as I have claimed.  Daily I struggle to follow my convictions.  But though I fail, God prevails.  Despite my futility, God works His will.  His power is beyond my humanity.  So I will not rest upon my own strength or manner.  But instead daily I will trust the Spirit working in me, daily I will submit to my Heavenly Father who is changing me.  I cannot truly love as I am called, as Christ has loved, on my own.

By Doubt I Learn, By Conviction I Live

Doubt, by John Patrick Shanley, is prefaced by the author's brilliant portrayal of his own beliefs and thoughts about society and humanities ability to doubt and why we do so.  The play is Shanley's picture of that doubt through a real life scenario.  Although, before diving into the story you must spend time on the preface, acknowledging his statements and deciphering them. I find it very interesting when he says that society has found comfort in the "chatter" of everyday life and in someways hidden behind it.  People are so busy arguing their points, that they ignore the fact, that just maybe, they could be wrong.  They ignore the feeling they get in their stomach when they have argued a point that it's logical end and begin to question how accurate it was to begin with.  That is doubt.  In the preface it almost seems at some point that Shanley is claiming that conviction and passion are weakness.  The act of doubting "requires more courage than conviction does, and more energy; because conviction is a resting place, and doubt is infinite-"  He also comments that the church is weak because they have huddled together under a common belief to simply believe.  They all found the common ground and lifestyle, which brought them together, but by doing so they made themselves vulnerable to the outside world and "predators".  The trust believers have built up, according to Shanley, is what in reality will make them crumble.  The church in some instances maybe weak, by some standards, because of their convictions, but those same convictions also make them strong.  What sets the church apart from the world is that they do have a set of beliefs, and those beliefs in some cases can help them through circumstances and sufferings; the God that they believe in also brings them comfort.  When they world around them falls apart for lack of truth or direction, those with conviction have strength and directions.  Strength because their convictions are truth. Direction because by truth they are guided.  It also seems that Shanley expects people to doubt constantly, and that to do otherwise would be wrong.  I disagree.  I think that what he so strongly communicates is the idea that not doubting will only cripple you.  He shows the faults in naively living life without questioning; to hold onto a certain belief to the point of losing sight.  He may say that doubt takes more courage than conviction because it is infinite, but the process of reaching conviction is the same.  It is seeing the faults in your beliefs and working through them so that your convictions only gain strength.  To be filled with conviction is no fault.  In fact, to live everyday, I believe convictions hold us together, but what enables us to live out those convictions with passion is acknowledging our doubts, while letting them shape the beliefs that control our lives.

A Revelation: Hypocrisy to Humility

The powerful luminance pierced the darkness, and came flooding into the room, echoing off the walls.  She could barely open her eyes, as she lay on the icy concrete.  She had been there for so long, had become numb to the realities of her lifestyle.  Day after day she lived in this place by choice.  Finding herself superior to the rest of humanity, she removed herself form everyone and everything, for what could they possibly offer a girl who stood above them all.  When looking down her nose at them it became impossible to see her own flaws and faults.  Instead she was filled with unmatchable pride that grew with every step.  Until the day she fell.  When she fell, she fell far down into the black pit, becoming blinded to everything and filled with bitterness.  Remaining there, the girl began to adjust and slowly regained a minimal amount of sight, but only enough to distinguish form.  She learned to live by this sight and learned to live alone.  Questions began to make their way through her mind, and she questioned why this had occurred.  She began to search for a reason.  It was not until she had reached her limit of frustration and collapsed in exhaustion that it happened.  The door was opened and she received a light to powerful to ignore.  At first its strength blinded her, but in time she saw the truth and beauty of her revelation.

Sovereign

"We may ask for anything and hope for anything our heart desires, but we do so always with the understanding that our heavenly Father knows what is best and can see beyond what we see.  When we hope it is always with the fine print in which we acknowledge that we at times don't know what to ask for, don't know if what we hope for is right or good.  So we leave the decision to Him, knowing He will do whatever is truly best for us."

-Unknown

Father's Hands

It crossed my mind to quite tonight, lay down and give up the fight

But then your spirit fills my soul and now I kneel so contrite

Forgive me God for living and Walking on my own

For it is you that give me breath and you alone

With my back to the past and my face turned forward

I stand here Lord wondering what you will lead me toward

You break me down and show me I am nothing but weak

So humbly I come and lay my life and heart at your feet

Take everything Father, take all the aspects of me

Mold them and make them whatever you will me to be

Let Go

She walks around with her head held high

and a smile so big and eyes taking everything in

Arms spread wide to embrace life

But you don't see the tears that fall at night

Her trembling heart and shaking hands

You can't see the weakness in her knees

Or hear her screaming please, please

Don't walk away from me

Can't you see what we could be

If you would just let down your wall

And give me a chance I could be your everything, your all

Her shoulders are back and her hair is curled 

Admitting she knows its all for the best

She says all you can do is laugh at this world

But you can't hear her silent cry

Or feel the sharp pain in her gut

How her soul is growing cold

Or hear her screaming no, no

Don't walk away from me

Can't you see all that we could be

If you would just let down your wall

And give me a chance I could be your everything, your all

She closes the door and drops her bag

Crawling into bed and pressing her palm to her forehead

Slowly a tear falls to her pillow

She says...

You won't ever see what you did to me

Or feel my trembling body

Cause i have to tell myself no, no

I'm screaming to myself you have to let go, have to let go

Baby you've gotta let go, let go, just let go

November 19

heartbreak

I am amazed at the power of heart break

Its a poisonous sickness my weak body can hardly take

The sharp pain in my stomach I can't shake

It begins so small and wells so fast

Slowly moving through my body, form

My gut to my throat, causing me to choke

I'd give up the world to feel again

To make you see what we could have been

But an ocean of tears wont rewind the clock

And every sleepless night won't muffle the shock

My trembling heart urges me to fight

Do what ever it takes to keep you tonight

But you made the choice to let it go

Allowing your hesitations to plainly show

I shrugged my shoulders and put up a wall

Promising to never let a single tear fall

But as the sun sets and rises again

I find myself stumbling through the same trend

Buried deep, my covers are a comfort as I lay in bed

Lonely and tired with thoughts racing in my mind

I don't want to miss you, I don't want to care

But the absence of your voice is sometimes to much to bear

Now the gentle brush of your hand is gone

And my days seem to drag on so long

All my hasty dreams being lost

I knew i would inevitably pay the cost